3 DPO - Or 3 days post ovulation & IUI!

Three days down, 11 more to go! I don't think I'm going to make it to the 14 day mark. I'm usually starting my testing around DPO 7 or 8. I know most likely it's early and there's high risk for evaporation lines on the cheap internet tests (ICs) but I can't help it! Plus I think I enjoy seeing the progression of lines.

I still have two of my collections from past miscarriages (one chemical pregnancy, where you get positive pregnancy tests but the miscarriage happens very early on). I'm not sure why I kept them all this time, but it just dawned on me that maybe other people might benefit from seeing them. Since the sticks are already dry, it's hard to see the beginning of a line on the early dates, but I only started collecting the sticks that I thought I saw a line when I squinted. That seems to be around DPO 9 for me!

The set of blue sticks was my 8 week miscarriage. It was devastating, because I went in early to confirm and we were able to see the heartbeat a little over 6 weeks. Sadly, I started spotting and bleeding and there was no more heartbeat on the next ultrasound  at 8-9 weeks.

This is the first time I am sharing this picture, I keep it in my desk drawer to remind me that this infertility is temporary. It's very personal and I decided I wanted to share what I could on this blog in hopes that maybe I could help at least one person out in their quest. It might be interesting to look back on everything later.

What you don't understand is...

I'm so sick and tired of being stressed out and depressed about infertility. To be honest, I have no idea how we got from first trying to 4 years later. I still remember after my first miscarriage visiting the fertility forums and seeing these people write about their cycles, trials, and losses. It was something I just wasn't able to relate to. I felt pity, but I wasn't truly able to empathize with them in the beginning.

No one tells you just how deep it goes, or if they do you just can't fathom it. Everything suffers. Your days, weeks and months are all focused around your monthly cycle (if you're lucky enough to have one) and there's no escaping without feeling guilty for not doing everything you could that month for a chance at that coveted BFP. People around you trying to sell off the whole "maybe it's stress" idea. Yeah, it's stress. When you wake up every day at the same time to take your temperature. When you pee on sticks multiple times a day. When you schedule the days you and your partner have sex. When you sit through 2 weeks of hell to find out if it worked. When you can finally drink that glass of wine after getting your period because that's your consolation prize. When you realize it's time to start all over again. It's all stress, but stress didn't get me here. I can't escape at home, and I can't escape at work. My work involves taking care of new mothers and their infants. I'm happy for each and every one of them, and I manage to keep most of my emotions in check while at work. But it still hurts every minute of every day.

Now I have finally started getting some answers to my problems, I focus on researching everything I can about it. In fact, my tenacity to do so is probably the only reason I have the answers I do right now. It keeps my brain working, and keeps me focused on solutions rather than emotions I just can't control. It's my release, my secret haven of hope that I have the ability to fix everything if I just find the right information. So excuse me for not taking my mind off of it, it's just not that easy.