Change of Plans

I went for my saline sonogram this week in preparation for IVF coming up in January, which caused a hefty change of plans! The Dr. found a polyp or fibroid in my uterus, and recommended having it removed before continuing with IVF. Actually, he suggested that I continue at least 3 more IUIs after it's removed, because it could be what's been preventing me from getting pregnant for the last couple years after my miscarriages.

Interesting that regular ultrasounds and even the HSG dye procedure did not see it in there. The saline sonogram was honestly a quick and painless procedure, I wish I had gotten it much sooner. Things like this are what frustrate me, I could have handled this problem so much sooner. The Dr. apologized for giving me the bad news, but I ended up telling him it was bittersweet because at this point bad news is better than no news. At least I've finally found something I can act on.

I'm going to need a hysteroscopy, and removal technique will depend on if they find a polyp or fibroid. From what I can tell, a polyp would be a better deal since it's just an overgrowth of the outer endometrium. A fibroid, on the other hand, can be from deep inside the muscle and require a bit more work and can complicate future pregnancies as the uterine wall could be weakened. I'm crossing my fingers that it's a polyp.

On a completely unrelated note, my Vitamin D levels were very low. I take a prenatal every day that includes Vitamin D, so it was a little surprising. It could have something to do with the fact that I work nights. I looked into extra Vitamin D supplementation, or possibly going to a tanning salon a few times a month. I'll need to find out if the beds around here radiate UVB, which is what prompts production of Vitamin D.

Catching Up - It Was BFN

So... I happened to get some false positive pregnancy tests on the last IUI. Very heartbreaking to feel so hopeful and find out it was just a bad batch of Wondfos. I mean, I knew they had evap lines but these last two tests gave an obvious dark and pink line compared to a normal evaporation line. I searched the batch number W00121086-3 and found a bunch of other people had problems with these tests. Then I found that there were other batch lots that had issues. Suddenly, Wondfo doesn't sound like a brand I want to purchase any more.

I ended up buying some tests from Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com instead of more Wondfos. These are significantly thicker than other cheapie tests I've bought. I'll have to take a picture of the tests side-by-side when it's time to start testing again. I think I'll stick with them for now until they give me a reason to switch.

In other news, my Dr. agreed to let me do a round of injectibles this time with the IUI! Well, I'll be doing Femara and injectibles.. he didn't want to go too crazy since I'm under 35 and my AMH is great. I'm supposed to take 5 days' worth of Femara and then 3 days of injectibles. Then I'll get an ultrasound scan the next day to see where I'm at. This will be the first time I get a scan to see my follicles, I'm kind of excited. Of course my chance for twins doubles compared to when I was taking Clomid, which was already more than double a normal cycle.

What you don't understand is...

I'm so sick and tired of being stressed out and depressed about infertility. To be honest, I have no idea how we got from first trying to 4 years later. I still remember after my first miscarriage visiting the fertility forums and seeing these people write about their cycles, trials, and losses. It was something I just wasn't able to relate to. I felt pity, but I wasn't truly able to empathize with them in the beginning.

No one tells you just how deep it goes, or if they do you just can't fathom it. Everything suffers. Your days, weeks and months are all focused around your monthly cycle (if you're lucky enough to have one) and there's no escaping without feeling guilty for not doing everything you could that month for a chance at that coveted BFP. People around you trying to sell off the whole "maybe it's stress" idea. Yeah, it's stress. When you wake up every day at the same time to take your temperature. When you pee on sticks multiple times a day. When you schedule the days you and your partner have sex. When you sit through 2 weeks of hell to find out if it worked. When you can finally drink that glass of wine after getting your period because that's your consolation prize. When you realize it's time to start all over again. It's all stress, but stress didn't get me here. I can't escape at home, and I can't escape at work. My work involves taking care of new mothers and their infants. I'm happy for each and every one of them, and I manage to keep most of my emotions in check while at work. But it still hurts every minute of every day.

Now I have finally started getting some answers to my problems, I focus on researching everything I can about it. In fact, my tenacity to do so is probably the only reason I have the answers I do right now. It keeps my brain working, and keeps me focused on solutions rather than emotions I just can't control. It's my release, my secret haven of hope that I have the ability to fix everything if I just find the right information. So excuse me for not taking my mind off of it, it's just not that easy.